What Are Boundaries and Why You Need Them

Big scary word alert: boundaries! In case you've been living a (frankly, probably peaceful) life off of the pop-psychology corner of the internet, you've probably heard this word. Or maybe the worst ex of your life threw the word in your face during an argument. Or maybe you saw the buzzword on your TikTok feed from a therapist who is trying to venture into the social media realm (...me? yikes!). Or maybe you have done some legitimate research on the topic and realize that boundaries very well could be beneficial for you to have in every area of your life.

Boundaries by definition are limits or "lines" that you place between yourself and others. Boundaries could also help you to protect your time, peace, or personal values. Boundaries are placed so that you can honor and show up for yourself first and foremost.

H2: Some common and important examples of boundaries

In the context of protecting your emotional peace:

• "I will not let you treat me like this anymore, therefore I need to walk away from this relationship."

In the context of honoring your personal time:

• "I cannot stay late at work today."

In the context of setting limits to being "the therapist friend":

• "I don't have the capacity to hold this today and will not be able to honor your feelings how you deserve."

Now raise your hand if you read those and felt some type of way about those statements! You are not alone. Boundaries feel very uncomfortable when we are not used to setting them. If we can identify some misconceptions about boundaries then we can help to debunk them so we feel better about implementing them into our daily lives.

Common misconceptions of boundaries

1. It sounds cold/detached:

• Thought: "I sound like I don't care about this person or their problems."
• Reality: You do care, you just cannot hold space for what they need at this moment. You are free to revisit this with them in the future if you feel like it is good for you.

2. They are selfish:

• Thought: "I am only looking out for myself by doing or saying this."
• Reality: You are setting limits to protect yourself from becoming overwhelmed or emotionally dysregulated.

3. They are used to control others:

• Thought: "I must be doing/thinking/saying this as a manipulation tactic to control them."
• Reality: You cannot control others. Boundaries only define your actions and responses (such as what you tolerate).

Something important to note is that setting boundaries could take time to get used to, for both you and those around you. If you are not used to setting boundaries, you might feel uncomfortable doing so- and that's OK. On the flip side, those who are receiving your boundaries might not respond well to them being put in place- which is also OK.

Crucial reminders when setting boundaries

When working with my clients who want to set more boundaries in their lives I tell them a few crucial reminders to keep close by:

• It won't feel good for you to set them. You have to push through the uncomfortability in order to see it through.
• The receiving party of your boundaries might not respond well- especially if they are used to steamrolling over your boundaries. Let them. Their frustration will either pass or they can work on effectively communicating with you what they are feeling.
• Setting the boundary is easy, maintaining it is hard. Set your boundary and stand on it. Remember your effort in this is to benefit your life/recovery.
• YOU CAN DO IT! You owe it to yourself to try and explore how these boundaries can help you live a more peaceful life.

Where to start

If you don't know where to start on your (much needed!) boundary-setting journey, start with identifying areas of your life where you'd like a realistic change to be made. This could mean talking to your therapist, your support system, or even your boss at work to evaluate how you can start to tackle the tough conversation that surrounds setting limits and protecting yourself.

Approach this journey with kindness, patience, and self-compassion. Boundaries are not about pushing people away- they are about helping you stay connected to yourself in a healthier way.

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