When Mother’s Day Hurts: Coping with the Mom You Needed but Didn’t Have
For many people the month of May means becoming excited about the beginning of
summer approaching. May brings new beginnings that aptly are shown to us by all the
freshly bloomed flowers, and for some, an approaching break from school/work for
summer vacations. But for mental health clinicians, the month of May usually means
there are bound to be some very distinct conversations surrounding all of the interesting
dynamics our clients experience(d) with their Mothers.
Mother’s Day can cause individuals to have increased anxiety, especially if they have
difficult relationships with their Moms. We can all agree that no Mom is perfect, but what
happens to us if our Mom is abusive? Or she displays narcissistic tendencies? Or is
quietly controlling? Or manipulative?
If we have a Mother figure in our lives who brings anxiety and turmoil to our lives, the
month of May holds a very specific weight that is often times painful and unavoidable.
If we were to peel back the metaphorical layers of our “ideal Mother”, often times it
would be (even just slightly) different than what many people have lived experience of.
In a healthy family system, the role of the Mother tends to be emotionally available,
nurturing, consistent, validating, and respectful of boundaries.
When the Mother figure in a family dynamic does not display those traits, we (mental
health clinicians) tend to see individuals who have attachment issues due to their needs
not being met. Those unmet needs often turn into what we call an “insecure attachment
style”. As we move through the stages of life, the insecure attachment style can often
turn into a fear of abandonment, trust issues, and being anxious, avoidant, and
inconsistent (disorganized) in our relationships with others.
So, when we are reflecting back on our lived experiences with our Mothers this May, I
challenge you to approach it with the lens of “reflecting on my needs as a child” vs.
“criticizing my Mother” (PRO TIP: this helps to soften our view of our imperfect Mothers.
We are totally allowed to be angry about that but can table that for another
time….probably in therapy where we can be the type of angry that makes us productive
and heal instead of the type of displaced angry where we cuss out the person who cuts
you off and then cry later because you feel bad).
Speaking of doing inner healing work, once we have identified and accepted our lived
experience with our Mothers, we can then properly grieve the idea in our head of our
“ideal mother”. You did not have your needs met, and you are choosing to put the work
in to heal the parts of you that may be dark, broken, and/or just downright hurt and
disappointed. There is a certain level of freedom that can be felt when we practice
acceptance and begin to process our grief.
The other huge part of the puzzle is the (very true) concept that you can still love your
Mother deeply, while also grieve what was missing. Those two concepts can exist in the
same space. (Clinical tip: If this resonates with you, you may benefit from acceptance-
based therapies where the focus is accepting our realities without our approval).
From the perspective of a mental health clinician, there are a few very effective
evidence-based coping strategies that are also super practical. Some of these
strategies can be implemented into your life leading up to this Mothers Day:
Reframe your thoughts (CBT techniques)
Challenge your core beliefs from “I was not good enough to have a Mother
who showed up consistently for me” to “I am good enough, even if my
needs weren’t met”.
Practice self-compassion (mindfulness approach)
Replace internalized critical voice with a nurturing one, “I am worthy of the
love that should have been given to me”.
Boundary setting (DBT techniques)
Placing emotional boundaries without inner-guilt and not engaging in
harmful dynamics, “I will not play the role of your therapist, you have to
take charge of your own healing just like I do with mine”.
For some, having a therapeutic space with a trusted and qualified clinician can help you
untangle some of the difficult emotions Mother’s Day brings. Trauma-informed
approaches can help you process your attachment wounds. You do not have to walk
this journey alone.
You are deserving of the love you did not get. You are deserving of being able to say,
“My Mother did the best she could, and it wasn’t what I needed”. You are deserving of
experiencing a Mother’s Day where your nervous system gets a break. You are
deserving of experiencing the freedom and acceptance of knowing you didn’t get your
“ideal mom”.
Your lived experience is valid and worthy of your attention to heal.
